Haven't quite been myself lately. Been crankier than usual. I think I'm gaining weight. Been feeling sick on and off every day for weeks. Can't decide what I feel like eating. I know what you're going to ask. "Are you pregnant?" Could be. I don't know. Haven't checked. I doubt that it's stress. It's got to be Bill. Will keep you posted.
Reality Check: If you're renting a room in someone's house and you can't afford to pay all your bills you.cannot.afford.to.be.responsible.for.someone.else.
What is this word 'fear' that reminds of past experiences long forgotten? What other emotions come up from within you when you let your mind linger on times when you were fearful? Anxiety? Sadness? Nervousness? How did those moments shape you into who you are today?
I took a class a few years ago and the teacher asked, "What is the one thing every person is afraid of?" The answer came: rejection. I can see how that relates to asking someone out, or standing to speak in front of a group of people, but how does that answer fit with the fear of failure. Or even the fear of success? I'm sure most of us have an ambition to be successful (whatever that means to you). For myself, I know I could be good at so many things, and yet I don't actively, passionately pursue any of them. Am I afraid that if I succeed to greater than average heights I will then have to maintain? Or take full responsibility? Maybe my attention span is too short. Hmm. Am I afraid that if I put my best foot forward and fail then maybe I wasn't really as good as I thought I was?
With God all things are possible. We can know ourselves. We can step outside of our boxes. We can let go of the baggage.
This year has started out well for me in many ways. I believe it will only get better.
This weekend I left my baby with his grandmother, my husband’s mother. She said that she wished she could quit her job and look after him. She enjoyed him that much. K and I went to Orlando. I wouldn’t call it a getaway. We went to attend a Communication Workshop. No, not for lovers but for church. They covered topics such as writing letters to editors, picture-taking, tips for interviewing people, and there was a track dedicated to sound engineers. It was a very informative weekend. We drove up on Friday and came back Sun morning.
Corresponding with the new family member is going very well. I even got in contact with yet another cousin who is teaching English in Japan. He seemed very excited to hear from me. (For those who missed it, my dead-beat dad has three brothers all of whom have children that I’ve never met, some of which I didn’t even know existed. Recently I’ve been swapping emails with the only female cousin I know of. She put me in touch with a male cousin of ours.) There’s a lot of ground to cover. So much to learn about them. Right now we’re in the phase where we’re trying to learn and share as much as possible. Of course, one day we hope to meet. Maybe we’ll even like each other. lol. It's always nice to meet family. I hope that even at this late stage that we'll develop a strong bond and that we'll be a part of each others' lives from here on out.
What do these three things have in common? Absolutely nothing. I can't even say that I'm a common the common thread cause I don't have a beautiful cervix. :(
K and I run the video system (among other things) at our church. We capture the service to a harddrive and then edit it and create a DVD. The DVDs are generally given to members by request and we 'encourage' them give a donation to the Communication Department. One evening we got a surprise because the powers that be tracked us down and asked us to tape a funeral service the next day. We were still on holiday so we obliged the request. Maybe a week later we got a request from a member to tape a wedding. We are by no means professionals, but in the amateur realm we can hold our own. K is looking into doing this more seriously...and charging for the service.
I went with SP to the dr the other day. (You can read her take here.) I thought it went well. The dr seemed nice enough. I didn't think he was hitting on her when he told her that she had a beautiful cervix. I think he just appreciated it. Me, in the meantime, I wanted to look, but you know SP would have killed me! When I went to work the next day I looked up some pictures and sent them to her telling her that this is what she looks like. Ok, maybe I have cervix envy. K refused to agree to even try to take pix of mine so I could know what it looks like. TMI?
Dead-beat dad? Yes, I have one. My mother raised me almost single-handedly. Fortunately she had my grandmother and my step-grandfather to help her. I never knew him but I've heard that I look like him to some degree, which can be expected. He comes to mind every once in a while when I sometimes wonder if he has other children, or if he settled down to make a family. I wonder if I ever cross his mind like he fleets through mine. It never really bothered me too much on the surface. Other kids talked about their dads and it didn't bother me. My take was, I never knew what I was missing so I didn't and couldn't miss it. Besides, my mother was tough enough for two. My mother has asked me time and again if I don't want to know him. She would tell me it's my right to know him. She said I should demand it from members of his family. What can I say? It never mattered enough. It's not for me to seek him when my grandmother's address hasn't changed from before I was born. His brother, my uncle, has been our family practitioner since I can remember. He has no excuse for not seeking me out. He didn't want to, for whatever reason, so I never wanted to. Granted, I would have loved to have been invited to the "family reunion" a few years ago but maybe my presence would have made things uncomfortable since I'm only a member by blood and not familial interaction. He crossed my mind again recently, not by his own merit, but because my mother got an interesting phone call from a longtime friend of hers who happens to know some members of his family. She said she spoke to his sister-in-law who said her daughter, my cousin, really, really wanted to talk to me. Yet, she never asked for my mother's number. I took it on myself to get my aunt's number to call her myself and ask for my cousin. It was an interesting call. I didn't have any questions for my aunt or uncle. Why would I? They've been in the position to grant me access to their children but they didn't. Now they say it's a shame that all these years have passed. WTH? They asked how I am and said it's nice to hear from me. They asked about my son and they wanted to know what I do for a living. Umm, do you really care or are you nosey or are you making small talk? All I wanted was to talk to my newfound 26 year old cousin. (She doesn't live at home so they said they would pass on my phone number.) I could have made a better effort over the years to be a part of my father's family. But why? This is certainly not a discredit to my unknown cousins, because I'm sure my life would have been more full had I known them. On the same token, my life was completely full without my father's family involved. My new cousin may read this and if she does I hope she doesn't get offended. This is just me talking.
And I thought I didn't have anything to blog about!
Haven't had much to blog about lately. Been too busy preparing for my review at work and for my Girls' Nite Out that I hosted last night. I won't even bother to tell you how the review went more than to say it was the same-old same-old. Usual management speak where they encourage you to keep improving, etc. The Girls' Nite Out was fun. We soaked our feet and ooh'd and ahh'd with the sprays and the lotions. I bought some snacks for the guests and among them (the snacks, that is) were a bag of lima tortilla chips. . Hubby said they were too overpowering, but I really like them. Oh well, more for me. Oh yeah, you should see the first floor of my house now! SP came over to help me prepare for the event and we turned the place around. We cleared everything out! I don't know where anything is, but it looks so much better! :)
I had a tuna sandwich for lunch yesterday. I liked it so I thought I'd make another today. Well, my wonderful family left me ONE slice of bread. I brought both it and tuna to work. I don't know what I was thinking with only ONE slice of bread but I eventually figured I could go the grocery store during lunch and buy a loaf. Lucky for me one of my co-workers happened to have a loaf of bread in the company kitchen. She felt so sorry for me when I told her what happened and how that last slice was the back.
Speaking of co-workers, a few of them went to an Asian restaurant for lunch today. They so graciously returned with fortune cookies for those of us who didn't go. Mine read, "Forget all that wishful thinking and be practical." Have you ever heard of such a discouraging fortune?? lol
It was beautiful weather here this past Monday. Perfect weather for going for a walk, or a ride, or playing in the park. I had the day off work and K wanted to show me the colors on a particular building on the beach. Colors that maybe we could use to paint the exterior of our own house. As it turned out the colors were not quite as he remembered them to be. Go figure. As we headed towards Sid's school, driving down the middle of three lanes, we came upon a crumpled figure. The man was lying there, literally in the middle of the road. He couldn't move. He was barely breathing. At least five people had already gotten out of there cars and all were on their cell phones. Further down the same lane, maybe fifteen feet away, was an almost unrecognizable bicycle. I knew I couldn't help. Authorities had already been called many times over. We maneuvered slowly into the right lane to go around the scene. He was probably in 40's. One man, the one I believed hit him, was shaking as he tried to tell the 911 operator the condition of the man. He went over and I heard him say that the man looked like he was having trouble breathing. There was a river of blood leading away from the pool by his head. We kept driving. The news soon reported that the area we had just left was blocked due to a fatality.
I think about that man. How he was lying there. Dying alone. Couldn't I have at least stopped and held his hand?
Obviously I haven't posted in a while. (Bad ShellyP.) But I have been reading and commenting. So I haven't gone awol.
Everybody's talking about resolutions, goals, intentions, etc. Two of my goals are to (1) write a book; (2) purchase a Total Gym (or something similar); and (3) be more social. I think they're attainable. (Shawn, should I publicly add "take a voiceover class?")
Question for ya'll: Why is the men's shoe section of the department store so much more comfortable and cushy??