Monday, December 05, 2016

I guess it's that time to make that post I've been avoiding. Because I didn't want to write it. Because I didn't know where to start. Because it was unbelievable times, and still it.

Shootings of people who look like me. Have been going on for so long. And you wonder who really cares?

A few days after yet another shooting of an unarmed black man... My family and I are at church, a predominantly black church in a predominantly black neighborhood. The sun has set so its dark outside. My 13 year old son asks if he can walk to the corner store with some friends, other black teens. And I hesitate to answer him. I hesitate. Never before have I hesitated for fear. But I hesitate. I decide to let him go. I don't want him to feel my fear. I don't want him to be afraid. There is no "healthy" fear to instill in a child or in anyone, yet THAT is our daily reality. Be vigilante, obey the laws, be respectful, don't give any reason for others to fear you. You hear it all the time. It's real. It's a real spiel we tell our children all. the. time.

My son went with his friends. And returned without incident. One of his friends stuck his head through the door of the balcony to let me know they were back. His words, "we made it back alive." What life is this that that statement could be a joke based on reality? It bothered me the rest of the weekend, the rest of the week, the month, every time I think about it. I wasn't upset that he said it. I was upset that it was in his mind at all. That it had to be in his mind at all.

It's saddening. I didn't grow up like this. I did not have fear as a child. There was trust all around, except, of course, of strangers, who we were always told to be wary of. I came here and things were different. I came at 17. Naive, ignorant. Not blissfully so because the awakening is indeed rude..But my children! Why do they have to live like this, with this, not being free, because of others' fear of...what? Fear of realizing how small and insignificant and unhappy they themselves really are is my guess. Sounds like a bully to me.

Monday, November 14, 2016

A lot

So much has been happening. It's been draining. I don't know where to start. There is no beginning, middle, nor end, only constant happenings in parallel. Work, church, home, children/school, sickness, death. Elections. Enough of that.

I'm mentally confining myself for a bit, expending the least amount of energy possible, at least externally. I spent some time reading about learning about myself. One thing hasn't changed - despite what I say I want, I always enjoy reading fiction, and I've found some awesome reads.

It's National Novel Writing Month. As much as I would love to say I've written a novel I highly doubt there is one in me. A book, definitely, but a novel? Not so much.

A friend said today was a down day. I can empathize. I've had many of those. They're very strange. I get so hard on myself. I reach a point where all I do is see how mediocre I am. I don't know what triggers it. Then the day will pass and I might feel better. I will remember and believe there is goodness and potential in me. But the down days are not good. How to make the good days stay....

Friday, October 23, 2015

The power of one

The big idea, the one message, one thing at a time, the ONE. I've read about the power of one with respect to the impact that can be made by an individual. This is not about that. :) What I was thinking about was the power of simplicity, being narrow, and focused. I was listening to CreativeLive this morning and one point that stood out was the need to pare down offerings and focus on one "thing" whether it be one product or one overarching theme or one goal. This goes right along with my need for order. As I see it, as well as I like to think I am at multi-tasking, I do myself a disservice with that practice. I've never been good at choosing. It could be because I am an optimist at heart - I see the good in each possible selection. (Ask my bff what it was like shopping at the candy story with me. SMH) Very recently she and I did a project where we categorized are life goals. She told me in a nice way that I have too many items on my list. What did I do? Did I look at my list and knock some things off? Ha! I laugh in the face of realism! I smiled as I typed my response to her, letting her know that I would not be striking out any items, that I would instead be pursuing them. :) They can all be accomplished - maybe some in parallel, maybe not. But that's ok. Shoot for the stars and you might at least reach the moon. This doesn't read like one who believes in the power of one, does it? Well...that's ok too. Nothing is set in stone. I do realize that in order to make the most effective use of my time I will need to prioritize, to break up my goals in chunks and focus on one step at a time. That I will do and get back to you!

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

I can't wait until the end of the day to write. By then my brain is ready to shut down. It's amazing how tired I get just from thinking. Yet here I am. I used to be a night owl and a procrastinator. I've gotten too old for my body to allow me to be the former and I'm constantly working on the latter. :)

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

About a week ago... lol A constant refrain of mine these days - my life does not revolve around you.

Tuesday, October 06, 2015

Do 'aha' moments exist? Are they real? I didn't cleanse my mind this morning. That would be a good practice. Get the things on my brain off it so that I can think clearer throughout the day. Sort of like making sure the dishes are washed before I leave the house, or that the bed is made. I hate walking around and still having "things" churning in the back of my mind that are just tedious, mundane, busy work. The little energy I have needs to be channeled without distraction. That's just me. I need order. I need time. I need space. Maybe then those elusive 'aha' moments will come.

Monday, October 05, 2015

I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't see the point. Actually I find it to be counterproductive. When you put everything out there then it not only becomes fodder for those around you. Yes, I watched Brene's video on vulnerability...watched it quite a few times. It's one of my all-time favorites. So, yes, I understand that we need to be open in order feel and connect, yes, yes. Call it a protective mechanism or maybe I'm just lazy, but I don't feel the need to be open with everyone. I have a select few who hear my moans and groans daily, but I am extremely selective about this group. I trust them completely. I do have others with whom I share snippets of my life. Sometimes, emphasis on the word 'sometimes', I feel that I need to share "more," not only for my benefit for the other person. Everyone has a story to tell, many things to teach.