Saturday, March 25, 2017

Missing my grandparents today. Life was so much easier when my grandparents were around (and I was 30 years younger). Grandparents are such a blessing. I only EVER felt love from them. It's amazing when I think about it. I have no negative feelings associated with them whatsoever. I remember Sunday afternoon dinners at Ponderosa, driving in the big gray GMC with one big seat in the front. My grandfather was the first man to tell me, a young teenager, that he was sorry for something he did. That blew me away, that he, an adult, would be apologizing to a child. His humbleness made me love him even more. My grandmother grew up in Jamaica and worked as a nurse in England. She brought her English ways with her Canada and taught me what she could. She was about being proper, not overstaying your welcome, being a lady, and me learning to play the respected piano. I never felt that they were disappointed in me. I was fortunate enough to have been around them a whole lot. They gave me a foundation of stability that I could thrive on. I know that. I'm grateful for that.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

This one can go in so many directions. Having a talk with a friend the other day and the topic of fathers came up. It's a touchy subject that it seems like no one really knows how to talk about for fear of offending or being misunderstood. I never really laid this out before, neither verbally nor written, and I'm 42. My friend was saying he thinks it would be nice to be able to form some sort of bond before the chance is gone, if at all possible. He wasn't speaking about my situation specifically, but more for someone else. My question to him was, "But why?" Yes, it would be fine, maybe even nice if it happened. But it hasn't. It just hasn't. Why should the children have to seek it out. I know - honor your mother and your father so that your days may be long upon the earth. I know - turn the other cheek; do not judge; be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other Tell me all the verses. I know them. But I still ask why. I should do my part. But...what is my part to do? How much is required of me. When am I allowed to stop trying or stop being open or stop seeking? On many occasions,the child asks herself, "Where is he?" A little older then the question becomes, "Doesn't he even care?" Older yet, "If he could see me now, I would show him just how well I did without him!" Then the child becomes an adult and asks, "Couldn't he have cared enough to get past himself and find me. I was never hard to find. My family has been in the same place for 25 years." Finally, as a mother herself she can't understand how a parent could stay away. I could never, ever willingly leave my children. I want them with me. I want to know everything about them, now and forever. That is me though. That is not everyone. Deep sigh right here. Many people over the years would ask me what's it's like not having a father around, don't I wish I did. Honestly, for good or bad, I didn't know what I was missing so my answer was always no. I can make excuses for just about anyone. I'm the advocate for the underdog. I can easily play the devil's advocate. Seeing both sides is not that difficult. I can see both. We are all flawed and do things we feel, know, believe are not right. Sometimes doing the right thing makes us too uneasy, so we don't. It's much more comfortable to continue along the path we've always known. I do the same. I can't judge. Live and let live.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Let me tell you about being overwhelmed.... I read recently that the feeling of being overwhelmed happens when we have so many thoughts swirling around in our brains that we don't know where to start. First off, I'm back. It's been an extended hiatus. At first, for a long while, I assumed I had nothing to say. Then I realized I have so many statements and thoughts and opinions in my head, some of which I share with those close to me, but most of which I just keep to myself. I believed then that my thoughts didn't matter. What do they matter in the big scheme of things? We each have our own musings so what difference would mine make really? I didn't want to be yet another channel of noise. The other day I listened to Marie Forleo interview Seth Godin (excellent video, I would highly recommend it) and Seth said he believes everyone should blog every day. That comment, coupled with watching this short video by Ray Edwards where he challenges the viewers to think ahead to the end of 2017 to consider the body of work they would like to have created - those two ideas have moved me to action. Why I started out by mentioning being overwhelmed is because that is my life right now. There are what feels to me like an innumerable amount of thoughts in my head right now, and when I get like this then I move like molasses and I'm not nearly as productive as I should be. Instead I want to curl up under my blankets and go to sleep. But writing brings me clarity. The technique of writing with pen and paper forces me to get the ideas out of my head and once I see them I'm compelled to organize them. (Posting my thoughts, without having written them out first, is different though. These expressions, when I look back at them, I wonder who wrote them, if it really could have been me. It doesn't sound like me to me and on top of that I surprise myself with the things I claim I thought about.) Hey, what's one more noisy channel?