My grandmother was the first entrepreneur I knew. I never knew her to work. As far back as I can remember she was home while my grandfather worked. She lived in a three-story house with a basement. The second and third floors were for the tenants - there was a full kitchen and bathroom on the second floor. Before I was around my grandmother owned multiple properties in the neighborhood, including the house adjacent to the one she lived in. She also owned and ran a restaurant at the end of her block. She was my introduction to strong, independent womanhood. At the time, I didn't realize that her life was not the norm for black women. Growing up with my mother I saw her go to work every day. She worked for the government of Canada. While working there she started a side business where she did typesetting for a local printer. Her partnership with the printer grew and she eventually expanded her services to include typing, data entry, and teaching computers. She eventually left her day job and opened an office downtown Toronto, starting in a small room, moving to a larger one, and then to a much larger one. I worked for her part-time and she also had other instructors teaching for her. She eventually moved to the United States permanently and was a real estate agent and then broker. These women were my role models. I am so grateful for them. Because they made these things seem like everyday occurrences, like they were not a big deal, it takes no effort for me, now, to believe I can do the same. Our experiences shape us. If I didn't have those examples, what would I have done? What direction would I have gone in? My mother worked with computers for as long as I've known her. It seemed to come easy to me. Was it really easy or did I just have one less barrier of intimidation, of naivete, of the unknown, or any other possible obstacle, to overcome than most other girls? I have strong emotions towards women who are independent thinkers, successful, impactful. Another "aha" moment for me this week was realizing and consciously recognizing my grandmother and mother as role models, and the parts they played in shaping me and subconsciously affecting my psyche. Have to give credit where credit is due.

I'm stalling again. I hate that I do that. I'll know the time is coming for me to do something I'm not particularly fond of doing, but I will do everything else before it. And I know that procrastinating only makes it worse because it then it always involves frustration, anxiety, my bad attitude, and sleepless nights as I fret the closer the due date gets, or have to work through the night to complete the task. But yet still. Here I am. Not everything can be handed off or delegated or dropped completely. Some things have to actually get done. That, or there is a price that will be paid. I have no tips on how to get out of this cycle. I know the rules: start earlier, do the necessary research, block time and complete the task. I just need to follow them.

I had lunch with some ladies on Saturday afternoon. The weather was balmy and beautiful. We sat outside on the balcony, in the light breeze, and chatted over tiramisu, banana cream bunt cake and ice cream, seltzer water and diet iced tea. Conversation went as conversations normally do with no predictable flow. As I listened and considered their words I found myself thinking further, bigger, outward. One woman recalled that another woman at church approached her and said she had always thought she was "mean." I, along with the other ladies at the table, could relate to being pre-judged. I thought, imagine, that we go to church every week, see the people there every week, see how we and others interact on a regular basis, and yet still we pre-judge and and are pre-judged. We come to conclusions without ever getting to know each other. And we are supposedly like-minded people of similar cultures and backgrounds. We already have much in common. How much more should we expect of those around us in the world with whom we don't interact on a regular basis and with whom with have no idea if we have anything in common?

I shared my thoughts with the group and we went on like that. We would talk, everyone contributing, and I would take it one step further, bringing attention to the connection of what we spoke about to the world at large. By the time we were wrapping up I had an aha moment that my gallup poll "strength" of "connectedness" was a surprising possible truth. I had never noticed that pattern about myself before.

Over the weekend I spoke to a couple of close friends about what we can do to change how minorities, any minority, are viewed. When you consider the negative images of us being portrayed it's no wonder that negative stereotypes persist. We, meaning all people, have to sit and eat with each other, and be willing to give each other a chance. And we, the ones who want to change the stereotypes, have to be proactive in making that change. We must create - create art, inventions, products, services. Create, overrun the negatives, and support each others work.

Ideas? Suggestions? I would love to read your thoughts on his.

If you spend time with me, it tells me that you care. That is the number one thing you could do to convey any feelings for me. Time is precious. That's not just a cliche. Especially as I get older I feel that more and more, as time gets ever limited and I am constantly reminded of mortality. If you're doing x then you're not doing y. Giving of time requires a sacrifice of something. Time that you can never get back. If you willingly share your TIME with me, that means the world to me. More than words.

Missing my grandparents today. Life was so much easier when my grandparents were around (and I was 30 years younger). Grandparents are such a blessing. I only EVER felt love from them. It's amazing when I think about it. I have no negative feelings associated with them whatsoever. I remember Sunday afternoon dinners at Ponderosa, driving in the big gray GMC with one big seat in the front. My grandfather was the first man to tell me, a young teenager, that he was sorry for something he did. That blew me away, that he, an adult, would be apologizing to a child. His humbleness made me love him even more. My grandmother grew up in Jamaica and worked as a nurse in England. She brought her English ways with her Canada and taught me what she could. She was about being proper, not overstaying your welcome, being a lady, and me learning to play the respected piano. I never felt that they were disappointed in me. I was fortunate enough to have been around them a whole lot. They gave me a foundation of stability that I could thrive on. I know that. I'm grateful for that.

This one can go in so many directions. Having a talk with a friend the other day and the topic of fathers came up. It's a touchy subject that it seems like no one really knows how to talk about for fear of offending or being misunderstood. I never really laid this out before, neither verbally nor written, and I'm 42. My friend was saying he thinks it would be nice to be able to form some sort of bond before the chance is gone, if at all possible. He wasn't speaking about my situation specifically, but more for someone else. My question to him was, "But why?" Yes, it would be fine, maybe even nice if it happened. But it hasn't. It just hasn't. Why should the children have to seek it out. I know - honor your mother and your father so that your days may be long upon the earth. I know - turn the other cheek; do not judge; be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other Tell me all the verses. I know them. But I still ask why. I should do my part. But...what is my part to do? How much is required of me. When am I allowed to stop trying or stop being open or stop seeking? On many occasions,the child asks herself, "Where is he?" A little older then the question becomes, "Doesn't he even care?" Older yet, "If he could see me now, I would show him just how well I did without him!" Then the child becomes an adult and asks, "Couldn't he have cared enough to get past himself and find me. I was never hard to find. My family has been in the same place for 25 years." Finally, as a mother herself she can't understand how a parent could stay away. I could never, ever willingly leave my children. I want them with me. I want to know everything about them, now and forever. That is me though. That is not everyone. Deep sigh right here. Many people over the years would ask me what's it's like not having a father around, don't I wish I did. Honestly, for good or bad, I didn't know what I was missing so my answer was always no. I can make excuses for just about anyone. I'm the advocate for the underdog. I can easily play the devil's advocate. Seeing both sides is not that difficult. I can see both. We are all flawed and do things we feel, know, believe are not right. Sometimes doing the right thing makes us too uneasy, so we don't. It's much more comfortable to continue along the path we've always known. I do the same. I can't judge. Live and let live.

Let me tell you about being overwhelmed.... I read recently that the feeling of being overwhelmed happens when we have so many thoughts swirling around in our brains that we don't know where to start. First off, I'm back. It's been an extended hiatus. At first, for a long while, I assumed I had nothing to say. Then I realized I have so many statements and thoughts and opinions in my head, some of which I share with those close to me, but most of which I just keep to myself. I believed then that my thoughts didn't matter. What do they matter in the big scheme of things? We each have our own musings so what difference would mine make really? I didn't want to be yet another channel of noise. The other day I listened to Marie Forleo interview Seth Godin (excellent video, I would highly recommend it) and Seth said he believes everyone should blog every day. That comment, coupled with watching this short video by Ray Edwards where he challenges the viewers to think ahead to the end of 2017 to consider the body of work they would like to have created - those two ideas have moved me to action. Why I started out by mentioning being overwhelmed is because that is my life right now. There are what feels to me like an innumerable amount of thoughts in my head right now, and when I get like this then I move like molasses and I'm not nearly as productive as I should be. Instead I want to curl up under my blankets and go to sleep. But writing brings me clarity. The technique of writing with pen and paper forces me to get the ideas out of my head and once I see them I'm compelled to organize them. (Posting my thoughts, without having written them out first, is different though. These expressions, when I look back at them, I wonder who wrote them, if it really could have been me. It doesn't sound like me to me and on top of that I surprise myself with the things I claim I thought about.) Hey, what's one more noisy channel?

I'm going to try to keep up with this blogging this, albeit inconsistently, but it will be something.  :)

Over the weekend the company I work for held a two-day event at an upscale resort. We have been doing this for a few years now and it never gets old. The location is great but the facilities themselves are tremendous. This year my room, that opened onto the beach, had a luxurious deep tub that I took full advantage of. The food was delicious with a full buffet spread that included nutella and parfaits, fruit energy booster shots, all manner of baked goods (read: croissants, chocolate cupcakes, sticky buns, bagels), meats, potatoes, and omelets cooked to order with self-selected ingredients and toppings. I could go on about the breakfast but I'm gaining more weight just typing about it. The staff all over the resort was always courteous and helpful. One evening, before dinner, my husband went down to the restaurant to order food for the children and while he was standing at the front waiting to speak to the host a couple walked up at the same time...and the woman addressed him about wanting to place her order. She was polite. He was polite in his response when he told her that he too was trying to get information for his order. She was obviously embarrassed, esp. and my husband and her husband got a laugh out of it. When I heard the story I was not amused. Maybe it's not a big deal. I don't know. But why on earth would someone ASSUME that my husband is part of the staff instead of just ASKING first? Take a step back, assess the situation, determine what is what before you open your mouth. If you don't know, ask. It's not that difficult.

I guess it's that time to make that post I've been avoiding. Because I didn't want to write it. Because I didn't know where to start. Because it was unbelievable times, and still it.

Shootings of people who look like me. Have been going on for so long. And you wonder who really cares?

A few days after yet another shooting of an unarmed black man... My family and I are at church, a predominantly black church in a predominantly black neighborhood. The sun has set so its dark outside. My 13 year old son asks if he can walk to the corner store with some friends, other black teens. And I hesitate to answer him. I hesitate. Never before have I hesitated for fear. But I hesitate. I decide to let him go. I don't want him to feel my fear. I don't want him to be afraid. There is no "healthy" fear to instill in a child or in anyone, yet THAT is our daily reality. Be vigilante, obey the laws, be respectful, don't give any reason for others to fear you. You hear it all the time. It's real. It's a real spiel we tell our children all. the. time.

My son went with his friends. And returned without incident. One of his friends stuck his head through the door of the balcony to let me know they were back. His words, "we made it back alive." What life is this that that statement could be a joke based on reality? It bothered me the rest of the weekend, the rest of the week, the month, every time I think about it. I wasn't upset that he said it. I was upset that it was in his mind at all. That it had to be in his mind at all.

It's saddening. I didn't grow up like this. I did not have fear as a child. There was trust all around, except, of course, of strangers, who we were always told to be wary of. I came here and things were different. I came at 17. Naive, ignorant. Not blissfully so because the awakening is indeed rude..But my children! Why do they have to live like this, with this, not being free, because of others' fear of...what? Fear of realizing how small and insignificant and unhappy they themselves really are is my guess. Sounds like a bully to me.

A lot

So much has been happening. It's been draining. I don't know where to start. There is no beginning, middle, nor end, only constant happenings in parallel. Work, church, home, children/school, sickness, death. Elections. Enough of that.

I'm mentally confining myself for a bit, expending the least amount of energy possible, at least externally. I spent some time reading about learning about myself. One thing hasn't changed - despite what I say I want, I always enjoy reading fiction, and I've found some awesome reads.

It's National Novel Writing Month. As much as I would love to say I've written a novel I highly doubt there is one in me. A book, definitely, but a novel? Not so much.

A friend said today was a down day. I can empathize. I've had many of those. They're very strange. I get so hard on myself. I reach a point where all I do is see how mediocre I am. I don't know what triggers it. Then the day will pass and I might feel better. I will remember and believe there is goodness and potential in me. But the down days are not good. How to make the good days stay....

The power of one

The big idea, the one message, one thing at a time, the ONE. I've read about the power of one with respect to the impact that can be made by an individual. This is not about that. :) What I was thinking about was the power of simplicity, being narrow, and focused. I was listening to CreativeLive this morning and one point that stood out was the need to pare down offerings and focus on one "thing" whether it be one product or one overarching theme or one goal. This goes right along with my need for order. As I see it, as well as I like to think I am at multi-tasking, I do myself a disservice with that practice. I've never been good at choosing. It could be because I am an optimist at heart - I see the good in each possible selection. (Ask my bff what it was like shopping at the candy story with me. SMH) Very recently she and I did a project where we categorized are life goals. She told me in a nice way that I have too many items on my list. What did I do? Did I look at my list and knock some things off? Ha! I laugh in the face of realism! I smiled as I typed my response to her, letting her know that I would not be striking out any items, that I would instead be pursuing them. :) They can all be accomplished - maybe some in parallel, maybe not. But that's ok. Shoot for the stars and you might at least reach the moon. This doesn't read like one who believes in the power of one, does it? Well...that's ok too. Nothing is set in stone. I do realize that in order to make the most effective use of my time I will need to prioritize, to break up my goals in chunks and focus on one step at a time. That I will do and get back to you!

I can't wait until the end of the day to write. By then my brain is ready to shut down. It's amazing how tired I get just from thinking. Yet here I am. I used to be a night owl and a procrastinator. I've gotten too old for my body to allow me to be the former and I'm constantly working on the latter. :)

About a week ago... lol A constant refrain of mine these days - my life does not revolve around you.

Do 'aha' moments exist? Are they real? I didn't cleanse my mind this morning. That would be a good practice. Get the things on my brain off it so that I can think clearer throughout the day. Sort of like making sure the dishes are washed before I leave the house, or that the bed is made. I hate walking around and still having "things" churning in the back of my mind that are just tedious, mundane, busy work. The little energy I have needs to be channeled without distraction. That's just me. I need order. I need time. I need space. Maybe then those elusive 'aha' moments will come.

I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't see the point. Actually I find it to be counterproductive. When you put everything out there then it not only becomes fodder for those around you. Yes, I watched Brene's video on vulnerability...watched it quite a few times. It's one of my all-time favorites. So, yes, I understand that we need to be open in order feel and connect, yes, yes. Call it a protective mechanism or maybe I'm just lazy, but I don't feel the need to be open with everyone. I have a select few who hear my moans and groans daily, but I am extremely selective about this group. I trust them completely. I do have others with whom I share snippets of my life. Sometimes, emphasis on the word 'sometimes', I feel that I need to share "more," not only for my benefit for the other person. Everyone has a story to tell, many things to teach.

This writing thing is not hard. It's just that sometimes I have so much to say that I don't know where to begin. lol I never thought of myself as opinionated but I must be. :) Today is an ok day. Lots of things on my mind. I read an awesome article last night. I was going to try to summarize it but it's better if you read the whole thing yourself. There are so many good points that stood out to me, that, again, if just go by the title and skip the article you will miss out. You can give it a read here.

"Day 3"

It's something, isn't it, when your child has a mouth and won't go to bed? lol  J/k  Well, sort of.  :D

Today was good. Had the g-son today who almost wore me out. Played outside in the heat until I started melting away. He's fast too! Had a few bouts of chasing him around the parking lot...in my heels. smh

Made my first batch of soup in my Le Creuset Dutch Pot. Tomato Bisque. Wasn't bad. A bit more tart than I expected but overall of very good first attempt. My son liked it a lot. The daughter not so much.

I have the joy of knowing my bff is shooting her butt off! She quit her job and jumped into photography full time. She does really enjoy photographing people. She has fun with them, which I think is great, and enviable. I think she had four shoot last week. Awesome! I hope she gets into her groove soon, of how to balance shoot and marketing and editing and life in general. It sucks to be overwhelmed, but to find that tight rope balance is divine.

Although my writing is indecipherable I love the physical act of writing. Sometimes I find it to be too slow but there is something cathartic for me about the movements. I wish my handwriting was beautiful but I'm ok that it's not. If i started to think of all the things I could change the list just might be unending, but the list of things I maybe would change can probably fit on one hand.  :)

Articulation brings clarification. That's true for me. As I get it out there, it forms itself, it becomes clearer to me. Not always, but most times. There are many times though that the process takes so long! lol I'll think and think and write here and there but "it" just doesn't come to me. I could think and write and write and think for MONTHS and at the end not feel any closer to understanding. Maybe it only seems that way to me. I haven't actually measured the progress. I guess I could go back to my initial expressions and compare them to the latest and look for similarities and differences. I know, I'm drifting slightly off-topic, sorry. So much for clarification! :)

Feeling ok today. A little tired. A little restless. I feel like I want to go out but then the next second I feel lazy. I know that if I got moving the movement itself would be enough to keep me going, but that first step can be oh, so, hard sometimes. Or at least confusing. I watched a very interesting video yesterday that was full of life lessons and excellent points - too many to list. It's a short video, less than 30 minutes. Disregard the title as it may or may not speak to you, but the content covered is applicable to everyone. Check it out.

So today I post. It's just another day. Nothing special. Feeling pretty good again. Actually, been feeling pretty good lately in general, meaning I'm not tired, I don't feeling overly burdened or overwhelmed. The area around the hole in my mouth is still sore from having the molar extracted, but that too shall pass. Hubby is fine. Children are awesome. I see promise for the future. I recently created a "life list" as my bff calls it. Looking at it, it's me in a nutshell. By reading it you can know almost everything about me. This "life list" is just a list of goals divided into categories such as fun/leisure, money, career, health, etc. I wonder now if I'm too simple. lol I want more goals, bigger goals, complex goals. :) But back to the list at hand, every line is telling. It feels sort of strange to realize that. That anyone could look at it and know right away who I am. There are some nuances about me that can't be deduced from the list, not even from reading between the lines, but as I add more entries as they come to mind, I will in such fashion be revealing even more about myself. Ok, yes, I don't plan to publish the list...but you never know. I don't have a plan for where this could lead. The goal was to create goals, plan for them, and take actions to make them my reality. But the "life list" itself, who knows, might be able to be used for something else.