Let me tell you about being overwhelmed.... I read recently that the feeling of being overwhelmed happens when we have so many thoughts swirling around in our brains that we don't know where to start. First off, I'm back. It's been an extended hiatus. At first, for a long while, I assumed I had nothing to say. Then I realized I have so many statements and thoughts and opinions in my head, some of which I share with those close to me, but most of which I just keep to myself. I believed then that my thoughts didn't matter. What do they matter in the big scheme of things? We each have our own musings so what difference would mine make really? I didn't want to be yet another channel of noise. The other day I listened to Marie Forleo interview Seth Godin (excellent video, I would highly recommend it) and Seth said he believes everyone should blog every day. That comment, coupled with watching this short video by Ray Edwards where he challenges the viewers to think ahead to the end of 2017 to consider the body of work they would like to have created - those two ideas have moved me to action. Why I started out by mentioning being overwhelmed is because that is my life right now. There are what feels to me like an innumerable amount of thoughts in my head right now, and when I get like this then I move like molasses and I'm not nearly as productive as I should be. Instead I want to curl up under my blankets and go to sleep. But writing brings me clarity. The technique of writing with pen and paper forces me to get the ideas out of my head and once I see them I'm compelled to organize them. (Posting my thoughts, without having written them out first, is different though. These expressions, when I look back at them, I wonder who wrote them, if it really could have been me. It doesn't sound like me to me and on top of that I surprise myself with the things I claim I thought about.) Hey, what's one more noisy channel?

I'm going to try to keep up with this blogging this, albeit inconsistently, but it will be something.  :)

Over the weekend the company I work for held a two-day event at an upscale resort. We have been doing this for a few years now and it never gets old. The location is great but the facilities themselves are tremendous. This year my room, that opened onto the beach, had a luxurious deep tub that I took full advantage of. The food was delicious with a full buffet spread that included nutella and parfaits, fruit energy booster shots, all manner of baked goods (read: croissants, chocolate cupcakes, sticky buns, bagels), meats, potatoes, and omelets cooked to order with self-selected ingredients and toppings. I could go on about the breakfast but I'm gaining more weight just typing about it. The staff all over the resort was always courteous and helpful. One evening, before dinner, my husband went down to the restaurant to order food for the children and while he was standing at the front waiting to speak to the host a couple walked up at the same time...and the woman addressed him about wanting to place her order. She was polite. He was polite in his response when he told her that he too was trying to get information for his order. She was obviously embarrassed, esp. and my husband and her husband got a laugh out of it. When I heard the story I was not amused. Maybe it's not a big deal. I don't know. But why on earth would someone ASSUME that my husband is part of the staff instead of just ASKING first? Take a step back, assess the situation, determine what is what before you open your mouth. If you don't know, ask. It's not that difficult.

I guess it's that time to make that post I've been avoiding. Because I didn't want to write it. Because I didn't know where to start. Because it was unbelievable times, and still it.

Shootings of people who look like me. Have been going on for so long. And you wonder who really cares?

A few days after yet another shooting of an unarmed black man... My family and I are at church, a predominantly black church in a predominantly black neighborhood. The sun has set so its dark outside. My 13 year old son asks if he can walk to the corner store with some friends, other black teens. And I hesitate to answer him. I hesitate. Never before have I hesitated for fear. But I hesitate. I decide to let him go. I don't want him to feel my fear. I don't want him to be afraid. There is no "healthy" fear to instill in a child or in anyone, yet THAT is our daily reality. Be vigilante, obey the laws, be respectful, don't give any reason for others to fear you. You hear it all the time. It's real. It's a real spiel we tell our children all. the. time.

My son went with his friends. And returned without incident. One of his friends stuck his head through the door of the balcony to let me know they were back. His words, "we made it back alive." What life is this that that statement could be a joke based on reality? It bothered me the rest of the weekend, the rest of the week, the month, every time I think about it. I wasn't upset that he said it. I was upset that it was in his mind at all. That it had to be in his mind at all.

It's saddening. I didn't grow up like this. I did not have fear as a child. There was trust all around, except, of course, of strangers, who we were always told to be wary of. I came here and things were different. I came at 17. Naive, ignorant. Not blissfully so because the awakening is indeed rude..But my children! Why do they have to live like this, with this, not being free, because of others' fear of...what? Fear of realizing how small and insignificant and unhappy they themselves really are is my guess. Sounds like a bully to me.

A lot

So much has been happening. It's been draining. I don't know where to start. There is no beginning, middle, nor end, only constant happenings in parallel. Work, church, home, children/school, sickness, death. Elections. Enough of that.

I'm mentally confining myself for a bit, expending the least amount of energy possible, at least externally. I spent some time reading about learning about myself. One thing hasn't changed - despite what I say I want, I always enjoy reading fiction, and I've found some awesome reads.

It's National Novel Writing Month. As much as I would love to say I've written a novel I highly doubt there is one in me. A book, definitely, but a novel? Not so much.

A friend said today was a down day. I can empathize. I've had many of those. They're very strange. I get so hard on myself. I reach a point where all I do is see how mediocre I am. I don't know what triggers it. Then the day will pass and I might feel better. I will remember and believe there is goodness and potential in me. But the down days are not good. How to make the good days stay....

The power of one

The big idea, the one message, one thing at a time, the ONE. I've read about the power of one with respect to the impact that can be made by an individual. This is not about that. :) What I was thinking about was the power of simplicity, being narrow, and focused. I was listening to CreativeLive this morning and one point that stood out was the need to pare down offerings and focus on one "thing" whether it be one product or one overarching theme or one goal. This goes right along with my need for order. As I see it, as well as I like to think I am at multi-tasking, I do myself a disservice with that practice. I've never been good at choosing. It could be because I am an optimist at heart - I see the good in each possible selection. (Ask my bff what it was like shopping at the candy story with me. SMH) Very recently she and I did a project where we categorized are life goals. She told me in a nice way that I have too many items on my list. What did I do? Did I look at my list and knock some things off? Ha! I laugh in the face of realism! I smiled as I typed my response to her, letting her know that I would not be striking out any items, that I would instead be pursuing them. :) They can all be accomplished - maybe some in parallel, maybe not. But that's ok. Shoot for the stars and you might at least reach the moon. This doesn't read like one who believes in the power of one, does it? Well...that's ok too. Nothing is set in stone. I do realize that in order to make the most effective use of my time I will need to prioritize, to break up my goals in chunks and focus on one step at a time. That I will do and get back to you!

I can't wait until the end of the day to write. By then my brain is ready to shut down. It's amazing how tired I get just from thinking. Yet here I am. I used to be a night owl and a procrastinator. I've gotten too old for my body to allow me to be the former and I'm constantly working on the latter. :)

About a week ago... lol A constant refrain of mine these days - my life does not revolve around you.

Do 'aha' moments exist? Are they real? I didn't cleanse my mind this morning. That would be a good practice. Get the things on my brain off it so that I can think clearer throughout the day. Sort of like making sure the dishes are washed before I leave the house, or that the bed is made. I hate walking around and still having "things" churning in the back of my mind that are just tedious, mundane, busy work. The little energy I have needs to be channeled without distraction. That's just me. I need order. I need time. I need space. Maybe then those elusive 'aha' moments will come.

I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't see the point. Actually I find it to be counterproductive. When you put everything out there then it not only becomes fodder for those around you. Yes, I watched Brene's video on vulnerability...watched it quite a few times. It's one of my all-time favorites. So, yes, I understand that we need to be open in order feel and connect, yes, yes. Call it a protective mechanism or maybe I'm just lazy, but I don't feel the need to be open with everyone. I have a select few who hear my moans and groans daily, but I am extremely selective about this group. I trust them completely. I do have others with whom I share snippets of my life. Sometimes, emphasis on the word 'sometimes', I feel that I need to share "more," not only for my benefit for the other person. Everyone has a story to tell, many things to teach.

This writing thing is not hard. It's just that sometimes I have so much to say that I don't know where to begin. lol I never thought of myself as opinionated but I must be. :) Today is an ok day. Lots of things on my mind. I read an awesome article last night. I was going to try to summarize it but it's better if you read the whole thing yourself. There are so many good points that stood out to me, that, again, if just go by the title and skip the article you will miss out. You can give it a read here.

"Day 3"

It's something, isn't it, when your child has a mouth and won't go to bed? lol  J/k  Well, sort of.  :D

Today was good. Had the g-son today who almost wore me out. Played outside in the heat until I started melting away. He's fast too! Had a few bouts of chasing him around the parking lot...in my heels. smh

Made my first batch of soup in my Le Creuset Dutch Pot. Tomato Bisque. Wasn't bad. A bit more tart than I expected but overall of very good first attempt. My son liked it a lot. The daughter not so much.

I have the joy of knowing my bff is shooting her butt off! She quit her job and jumped into photography full time. She does really enjoy photographing people. She has fun with them, which I think is great, and enviable. I think she had four shoot last week. Awesome! I hope she gets into her groove soon, of how to balance shoot and marketing and editing and life in general. It sucks to be overwhelmed, but to find that tight rope balance is divine.

Although my writing is indecipherable I love the physical act of writing. Sometimes I find it to be too slow but there is something cathartic for me about the movements. I wish my handwriting was beautiful but I'm ok that it's not. If i started to think of all the things I could change the list just might be unending, but the list of things I maybe would change can probably fit on one hand.  :)

Articulation brings clarification. That's true for me. As I get it out there, it forms itself, it becomes clearer to me. Not always, but most times. There are many times though that the process takes so long! lol I'll think and think and write here and there but "it" just doesn't come to me. I could think and write and write and think for MONTHS and at the end not feel any closer to understanding. Maybe it only seems that way to me. I haven't actually measured the progress. I guess I could go back to my initial expressions and compare them to the latest and look for similarities and differences. I know, I'm drifting slightly off-topic, sorry. So much for clarification! :)

Feeling ok today. A little tired. A little restless. I feel like I want to go out but then the next second I feel lazy. I know that if I got moving the movement itself would be enough to keep me going, but that first step can be oh, so, hard sometimes. Or at least confusing. I watched a very interesting video yesterday that was full of life lessons and excellent points - too many to list. It's a short video, less than 30 minutes. Disregard the title as it may or may not speak to you, but the content covered is applicable to everyone. Check it out.

So today I post. It's just another day. Nothing special. Feeling pretty good again. Actually, been feeling pretty good lately in general, meaning I'm not tired, I don't feeling overly burdened or overwhelmed. The area around the hole in my mouth is still sore from having the molar extracted, but that too shall pass. Hubby is fine. Children are awesome. I see promise for the future. I recently created a "life list" as my bff calls it. Looking at it, it's me in a nutshell. By reading it you can know almost everything about me. This "life list" is just a list of goals divided into categories such as fun/leisure, money, career, health, etc. I wonder now if I'm too simple. lol I want more goals, bigger goals, complex goals. :) But back to the list at hand, every line is telling. It feels sort of strange to realize that. That anyone could look at it and know right away who I am. There are some nuances about me that can't be deduced from the list, not even from reading between the lines, but as I add more entries as they come to mind, I will in such fashion be revealing even more about myself. Ok, yes, I don't plan to publish the list...but you never know. I don't have a plan for where this could lead. The goal was to create goals, plan for them, and take actions to make them my reality. But the "life list" itself, who knows, might be able to be used for something else.

Funny, I'm back to being in a good mood. It started last week. Had a blah day on Monday, but overall, I'm liking this feeling.

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard the phrase, "Don't let anyone steal your joy," I would have quite a few dollars by now. :) Really though, it's become cliche'. Whenever someone gets on your nerves that's guaranteed to be one of the first canned responses you'll get. Well, I had a 'moment' this morning. The past couple days I've been on Cloud Nine for no apparent reason. Today started off similarly. I was late getting out of the house but it didn't phase me; I still felt good. It's amazing, though, how just a few words can cause your attitude to flip. I no longer had that free, happy go lucky feeling. Instead I was mulling over the words and what they meant, who said them and who heard them.

I've been a good mood the past couple of days. Not sure why though. Maybe it's the slight reprieve from financial stress. Maybe it's because I feel cute. Could be in part due to the jump-up music I listened to on the way to work. Or it might be a result of all the love that's been floating around. I feel like I have a positive outlook today. There is still so much to do, to plan, to get in motion, and that can be overwhelming at times, but for today at least I feel like I can handle it. Bring it on! :)

To the one who understands me the most... This is dangerous ground being tread right here. lol I hope no one gets offended. One of my bestest friends for the past, oh, 23 years, is still around giving me a lot of what I need. It's interesting when I think about our relationship and the ups and downs that we've had. Granted, we haven't really had any downs. There was that time he wasn't happy about my wanting pledge for a sorority, and there was that other time he said something that I read too much into and took to heart, but other than those times I can say it's been a pretty smooth ride. Don't know what I would do without him really. It's amazing to me when I consider certain friends and how long I've known them with respect to them putting up with me. We have all gone through so many changes and to think we have managed to stay in sync relationship-wise...how do I explain that? I've gone through my phases, my mood swings, my changes in perspective, changes in my maturity level and tolerance, I've formed and re-formed some opinions. And yet still, he remains. Not all have. Not all would want to. I wouldn't want them all to. Yet he remains. And I'm thankful.

Life and death, love and indifference. Every funeral I attend makes me reflect on my life. Considering how many I've been to lately you can bet I've been doing a lot of thinking. The funeral before last, a few weeks ago, was for vibrant young lady, not much older than myself, who had cancer. I didn't know her personally. She was a member of my church for a short time, but I am very close to someone who did know her well, and so I went to show general support. As I sat there listening to each person who went up to speak I inevitably began to wonder what people would be saying about me at my funeral (morbid thoughts, I know). I went further to think about what I would want to say for my loved ones. And so I started writing what I call "Love Letters" in my head to each of my friends, thanking them for sticking with me and telling them all what I think of them. Why wait until they pass away, right? I figured that I could write the letters with the intention that they be delivered upon my death. And so the stream of consciousness continues and I didn't stop there. Why wait until I die? It should be easy to tell them everything now. Yes, we know that we "love" each other by the mere fact that we stay in each others' lives to some degree, but it's always nice to be specifically reminded of what you mean to someone. So, I thought about this some more - why don't we show appreciation more - and the only thing I could figure is that when you are about to wear your heart on your sleeve like that, there is a fear of being hurt. (I'd love to hear some thoughts on this. Are we lazy? Are we selfish? Self-centered?) So, yes, I think I'm going to write some letters. I adore the written word. How much more personal can you get than to pour out your heart onto paper knowing that you can't take your words back, knowing the person reading it just might keep it and read over and over again. There is no hiding from your words when they are written down. Unlike the spoken word that is left to the memory, that can be forgotten or twisted or taken out of context, the written word minimizes the chances of that happening. Thoughts?

It would be death, wouldn't it? To be the catalyst for me to write again. I've been to more funerals in the past two years than birthday parties and weddings combined. Yet here I am trying to find a way to attend yet another. What do you do when the ones you love are hurting and you can't be there to even give a hug? How do you comfort them when a part of them has gone? As Seventh-day Adventist Christians we believe that the dead sleep until Christ's return, at which time those who died with faith, and those alive who believe, will be taken up (I Thessalonians 4:16-18). But that is then. What about now? How do you tell a child his father isn't coming home? How do you tell a mother that she has to bury her son?? This is now. They have to make it through today. I woke up this morning. I woke up to my daughter in my arms, alive, and warm, and beautiful, and so much promise. I looked at my son when he came in the room and all I can do is look at him and think of the mother by her son's hospital bed watching, hoping, praying, that he wakes up but never does. Two friends who I hold dear to my heart have lost their brother. And there's nothing any of us can do about it. #weweremeanttoliveconnected